Dan vs. the Third Grade

So I was just finishing up a particularly difficult lesson with one of my san-nensei classes. This was my third class in a row, and I had another one right after. So I said my typical “Thank you, Good bye.” and started to leave. The third grade had different ideas.

It quickly became a game of “let’s do everything in our power to make Dan-sensei’s trip back to the office as difficult as humanly possible.” It started with 4 boys blocking my way in the hall. I smiled and laughed at them, gentle pushing my way through. Though the boys tried to stop me, there was little that 4 50lbs eight-year-olds go do against the onslaught of a fully grown, 300 lbs. adult male. Though they new they were overmatched their spirits were not dampened in the least. Two of the boys grabbed onto my legs, so that with every step I took, I’d be dragging them with me. This, while not particularly effective at stopping me, seeing how I could still easily walk with these weights attached to my feet, they did manage to slow me down while the other two boys went for reinforcements. And reinforcements came.

About ten additional children appeared out of nowhere (their ninja training paying off) and a new strategy was attempted. Again four children tried to block my way. Two children joined the leg clingers, so that now I was dragging two kids with every step. A child jumped onto each of my arms, hanging onto them like little monkeys in training, swinging back and forth and generally being amusing to watch… but it was still added weight to my already burdened body. Now if this weren’t enough, a child grabbed me around the waist pulling me backwards while another child stood in front of me and tried to push me backwards. However despite these whole hearted attempts, I could still walk forward, if with a little effort. And when I met up with the four blocking my way, I was still able to power through. (Hey what can I say, I’m a big guy).

However, these efforts where beginning to take their toll on me. It was a warm day, probably about 80 degrees out with about 200% humidity. So, I started doing what many greater men than I have done in the past…. I started sweating profusely. (ewwwww) the kids didn’t seem to mind, but I had to teach another class soon and I was getting tired! Anywho.

Well, there is one thing I’ll say for these third graders and that is that they are persistent. Seeing that I had, at this point, almost made it halfway back to the office they decided to pullout there full numbers. While a high pitched squeal, the leader gave the secret emergence call. 8-year-olds started coming at me from all angles, rushing in from the school building, appearing from behind blades of grass, and dropping out of the sky. Before I knew it I was being over run by well over thirty third graders. The train of leg clingers grew to about six kids per-leg, there where now three kids clinging to me waist, another four pushing against me, and many circling around me (no doubt that this would disorient me and confuse me into accidentally going back towards the class rooms. There were also others who tried to hang onto my arms, or tried tickling me or poking at me (actually none in an uncomfortable place which these kids are notorious for… which was really in there best interest not to do). There were also a few who were shooting questions at me in Japanese, which I of course didn’t really understand, but I think they went along the line of “What fruit do you like?” and “How tall are you?” and “can you use chopsticks, because my parents told me that gaijin were physically incapable of using them?” The exact strategy behind these questions I have yet to determine, but you know these Japanese people, very sneaky.

Now with all these children swarming around me, I was almost overcome, but I let out a mighty roar and mustered all of my strength, and stepped forward! Again, I mustered my strength, but when I tried to move my other leg, I almost lost my balance and fell over… and though it was tempting I didn’t really want to crush these kids, I’m probably feel guilty afterwards, and the jail time just isn’t worth it. So I quickly stopped and caught my balance. I was beginning to see that while strength and size where on my side, there numbers were just too great. So I reached out one of my arms, effectively shaking the three kids trying to hang off of it, and grabbed the wall. Excellent, just the leverage I need! Using the wall as a support I was able to muster my strength again and take another step. This step broke the chain of students hanging onto this leg. I however was too slow, and the chain reformed before I could capitalize on the situation. But that gave me an idea.

I took a few deep breaths gathering strength for my burst. Using the wall for leverage, I thrust my leg forward, and in accordance with my plan, the chain broke, leaving only three kids on that leg. I quickly through my other leg forward in an attempt to gain some momentum, and the same result occurred. At this point the chain on the first leg was beginning to reform, so I said “ooohhhhh watashi wa ojisan desu!” (I am an old man). The ripples of laughter throughout the children loosened their grips. Score!!! Pressing my advantage I took another step forward, and miracle of miracles, the chain broke again, leaving only one kid clinging. I stepped again with the same results on the other leg. I used my free arm to divert the kid pushing to the side and, with old one kid on each leg and a few wrapped around my waist I could almost run!

I pushed through, and turned the corner. The office was now is sight, but at this point the kids had recovered from my joke and regrouped for a last stand. I am pretty sure they brought in a couple of fourth grade ringers. They stood blocking the doorway, about 8 kids wide and eight kids deep…. waiting. I new that one I approached I would be quickly overwhelmed and driving back… or worse… taken down. But I only had a minute until my next class and I needed martial from the office for it. I had no choice but to proceed along the path that was giving to me. So, I weighed my options…… weight! of course. These kids have never had physics and don’t understand about the momentum. I do. Advantage, Dan!

So without prying off my two leg clingers and the three waist hugged, I started to run at them, knowing that one I got through that doorway the kid would disperse in fear of the kocho-sensei. I hit the line at full tilt, and at the last second jumped, diving over as many of the students as possible. But the third grade line was too deep, and I saw that my leap would be insufficient to breach the plain of the doorway. I felt the little hands enveloping me, and I was almost lost. Just then, I yelled out “ZO!!!!!!” (Elephant!!!!!!) while pointing away from the office. Several of the kids turned to look, allowing me to roll up on my feet and break into the office.

Final score:

Dan 1, Third Grade 0

That’s right! I took those third graders down! Don’t mess with the Gaijin!

I think many of the student want a rematch, and the may get their request when I return to that school in July. Until then….. “I am the champion, my friends…. and I’ll keep on fighting to the end… I am the champion, I am the champion, third grade’s the loser, cause I am the champion….. of the school!!!”